he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
