Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
