a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
