i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
