So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
