dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
