You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize