And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize