i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize