he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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