I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
