k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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