Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
