my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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