3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
