So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
