Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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