Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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