I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
