Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize