wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You need Xanax blowdarts
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
