he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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