Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
