the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
