Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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