Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
