oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
