my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
