And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
