Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
