Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I need a burrito and a hug.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
