I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
