He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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