I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
