When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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