I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
