i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
