there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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