just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
