My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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