He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
