every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
