You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
