My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
