I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
