We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Sober January is a disaster.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
