In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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