RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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