I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
