I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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