Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
