The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
