If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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