Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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