I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize