Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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