Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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