im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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